Received this rather troubling email in my inbox this morning, most disturbing stuff...
THIS IS NOT SPAM. IF IT IS IN YOUR SPAM BOX, PLEASE DO NOT DELETE IT. I AM BOB FORESIGHT, I AM A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS MAN. PLEASE DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO GOOGLE MY NAME. PLEASE OPEN FORTHWITH.
Dear Valued Consumer,
Hello, I'm Bob Foresight, major name behind such artists as Tiny Tempa, Insufficient Anga, Titchy Strider, Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, One Direction, and Simply Red (now Simply Mick Hucknall).
I've worked in the industry of manufacturing chart-topping bands for over 21 years (21 years, 2 months exactly), and now I want to share my secrets with you (not due to any outstanding legal fees, my lawyers have kindly suggested I might want to point out). So if you've ever wanted to know how to make £££ Shit Tons!! (current market rates) of money in the music industry, despite having no real talent or any musical ability, then read my step by step guide to learn how to exploit other people who are just as talentless as you, and keep all the profit.
Step 1. Choose a name.
A name is important, it's your brand image, like Coca-Cola, or Tesco's Own Brand. Your band name will appear on posters, lunch-boxes, TV talent show graphics generators, young fans' tits, the table in front of you spelt out in cocaine and ket. So choose wisely. Too long and you run the risk of not being able to fit it on posters/overdosing. Too short, and you're limiting your band's TV exposure by several syllables.
Why not browse through, and choose from following suggestions? [CHOICE IS MANDATORY]
Texting Acronyms
L.O.L. (Loving Only Life)
L.M.F.A.O. - (Lumbering My First Avenge Ostrich)
R.O.F.L. - (Rubbing Our Friends Lustfully)
A.E.I.O.U. (Anything Equador Insists Is Obviously Unacceptable)
B.R.B. - (Burn Robert Burns)
A.T.M. - (Automatic Toaster Massacre)
I.M.H.O. - (I'm Made Horribly Orange)
T.B.H. - (Timbuktu Biodegrading Horrendously)
T.B.F. - (Timbuktu Biodegrading Fabulously)
I.O.U. - (I'm Only Underwater)
Boy Band
N-Tyme
Lip-Synkd
One Way Only
Give Way
No Through Road
Please Keep Clear at All Times Exit in Constant Use
Red Light
Shinelight
Sunlite
Starlite
CokeLite
No Girls Aloud
Sad Men
Boys III Men: The Boys are Back in Town
Boys IV Men: New Boys on the Block
Men IV Boys: Pedophile Predicaments
Clothes 4 Africa (popular appeal option)
No Direction
Completely Lost
S.S.Club
The Boyz
Girl Band
Girls' Band
Pussy Galore!
What's That Pussycat? Holy Shit, That's No Cat...
Pussycat (On the) Dolls
The [DAY OF THE WEEK WHEN YOUNG PEOPLE TYPICALLY GO TO CLUBS]
The Cheeky Shits
Overt Lesbian Overtones
The Pin-ups
The Pin me Downs
The Pin me Right Round Baby Right Rounds
Destiny's Unwanted Child
The Jellybabes
Babelicious
Labia Majorca
Vulvatious
Young Girls Looking like Strippers But Seemingly In Charge and Confident about their Own Sexuality (Watch this Video, Boys/Buy the Magazine and Aspire to be Like this, Girls)
Step 2. Choose Your Members.
Now you have a name, you need to find some eye candy. Don't worry if they can't play any instruments, in fact it's preferable if they can't. Try to find people with some vocal talent, and no concept of artistic integrity, self respect, true ambition, or music. This way they won't mind being told what to sing, what to wear, who their friends are, and who to have scandalous affairs with. Make sure your band includes at least one of the following:
Boy Band
(x1) The Talent - This is the hardest one to manage, he must be a talented musician in order to give the band legitimacy, but must not be encouraged to break off into a successful solo career out of your control. To combat this, make sure he is the least attractive, that way he'll feel repressed by the other members, but accept their more beautiful leadership. His soul must be crushed the most. Mentally castrate him and have him sublimate his sexual frustration onto the group's young female fans.
(x1) The Twat - Must wear leather jackets, perhaps has slightly spikier hair than the rest of the group. He is full of banal teenage angst but thinks he's the plot to Catcher in the Rye. He will pull in the older teenage girl fans. Allow to have affair with up and coming Disney actress (from shit U.S. Disney sit-com, not animated film). Does not even need to be able to sing so long as there are 5 in the band. Turn his microphone off on stage and just let him feel like he's involved.
(x1) The Background - Too many beautiful boys spoil the boy band. This one must be able to harmonise very well, is quiet, genuinely quite nice, believably not just in it for the money and attention, and completely unmemorable. Is left out by the others in the group, perhaps even psychologically bullied (don't worry about long term issues, they all sign release forms), or sometimes just simply straight up forgotten about when arranging nights out.
(x1) The Idiot - Loud, abrasive, incomprehensible. Speaks mainly in idioms, internet memes, or things he's seen on the telly. Most things he says are posed as questions but are not worth answering, anything that can be conveyed with simple hand signals is presented in this way. He is, however, markedly attractive. Have him pierce his ear. He will appeal to the girls with little self-respect, who mistake his special needs for deft comic timing. Plus, if it turns out he actually does have any genuine special needs, it's a great time to claim benefit from the government and use it to pay off those coke dealers you owe.
Girl Bands
Just make sure all the major hair groups are represented.
Additionally you may want to ensure that they can all dance, are all bang-tidy (sexually attractive), and can all be imagined having pillow fights in lingerie together (this may be a potential photo shoot, but if nothing comes of it, it's still a good way to pass the long nights on the road as tour manager).
Step 3. Writing a Hit Song
Don't worry, the hard work is over. From here on in, it's just a case of multiple choice.
Boy Band
Use the following template:
Title: The title should in some way reflect what goes on in the song. Preferably the title itself forms part of a larger lyric at some point, so that it's more likely to stick in people's minds. The title must suggest love, heartbreak, or contain the word 'tonight'. The song must be about being in a relationship, wanting to be in a relationship, having just been in a relationship and now looking for another relationship/wanting to be back in the same relationship again, or what they are going to do 'tonight'.
Lyrics: [DELETE AS APPLICABLE]
Hey [girl/there/you!], what are you doing [with my heart/tonight/with my wife?],
You know you really [make me fall in love with you/need to let it all hang out/ought to fuck off],
I'm going to [love you forever/go to a club tonight/go cry in the rain],
So I'll see you [in my heart/at the club later/never! You whore!],
[Chorus]
Yeah, [girl/tonight/whatever],
We're gonna [be together/get down on the floor/go our own way]
No one's [gonna stop me loving you/gonna tell me how much I can drink/ever going to love me again, are they?]
So let's just [hold each other's hands/drink until we're sick/wank off into the rain sodden mud, alone]
[Repeat x2]
Music: Don't worry too much about this, there are hundreds of music students and recording artists who couldn't get a break in the competitive industry because they didn't have any money/weren't good looking/wouldn't fuck an exec. and they all need money for hash, or food, I forget which. So, get one of them to write the music, tell them to make it 'popular' and warn them that ANY artistic flair or individual expression will be punished by wage reduction. Make sure it's not too dense, or too different; you want DJs to be able to make remixes for the club anthem market (the biggest market for professional, good quality, high-spec. music) and make sure you keep a separate copy of the vocal tracks so you can sample them in dub-step songs as well.
Girl Band
To be honest, anything that will make sense in the context of a music video of girls looking sexually empowered, dancing like fashionable puppets, and subjugating men whilst wearing tight tops and short skirts will probably suffice, I think most people watch these things on mute anyway.
Step 4. Repeat
Repeat Step 3 until you have an album's worth of material covering the entire thematic spectrum [relationships/plans for tonight], make sure that during this time you're having the band attend photo shoots, make video diaries for youtube, meet fans, write memoirs (seems premature but just have them copy out Robbie Williams' auto-biography and change all the names), tweet, make facebook updates, appear on chat shows, appear on generic music shows aimed at stupid young 'hipsters', open buildings (preferably new ones), post on tumblr, design their own fashion ranges for Topman/shop, sponsor a child (preferably African), sleep with a teenage movie star (if boy), marry a footballer (if girl), sell their souls, sell out, sell their bodies, sell the rights to their lives and privacy of their relatives to ITV2, and finally die, alone in the dirt, round the back of Tesco (Sainsbury's local will suffice in a rush).
I've been Bob Foresight, and this has been my Do it Yourself Guide to: Having Your Own Hit Song. If you've enjoyed this tutorial and wish to hear more, please send as little as $499,999.99 [MINIMUM] to Fatcats Anonymous Ltd. Zip Code, 90210, to receive a FREE copy of my audiobook 'The General Public and how to Generalize them', along with a press pack detailing some of my other great D.I.Y. tutorials. [Please note, press pack not included, audiobook RRP: $1.99]
N.B. My lawyers have graciously suggested that I may, or may not, wish to point out to you that the fact that my outstanding legal fees amount to a total of $499,998 has had no bearing on the pricing of any of the GOOD VALUE items of offer.
Thanks,
I've been, Bob Foresight
