Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts

Monday, 12 November 2012

Dead Butterflies





             Writing is like having this big box full of moths, and in amongst the moths are trapped several butterflies. Every time you have an idea, the box opens and out fly a thousand or so moths. Your job is to weave in and out of them with a small net, trying to catch the few butterflies sweeping and spiralling amongst the bedlam. To do so takes incredible nimbleness, dexterity and judgement; after all, it's sometimes quite difficult to tell what's a moth and what's a butterfly. 
              Even if you do manage to snare yourself a butterfly, you then have to pin it down, and quite a few can slip away and escape through accident or carelessness. And even then, even if you succeed in pinning your butterfly down, you've killed it. You've captured its beauty, ensnared it to paper, but you've taken away its motion, its grace, in many ways the things that made it beautiful to begin with.
              The true art of writing, and something I don't think I shall ever accomplish, is being able to breath life back into dead butterflies. Even here, in this very idea, something that in its inception was so pure and perfect has, through the wrong turn of phrase here and there, through the odd clunky phrase, through the regrettable choice of word, become sullied and still; a dead butterfly upon a lifeless page.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Nick Clegg II



Nick Clegg (1967- )


Atmosphere


          Nick Clegg ate a sausage roll, cheekily. It was the peace talks, and he'd been allowed to come because he'd kicked up a fuss, the big baby. Barak Obama was in a corner, shooting the shit with the Chinese Premier. Nick had been left to talk to Joe Biden, who was the American Vice President incumbent, in case you didn't know. He felt a lot like Dougal McGuire, stuck on the kiddy table like this, whilst David talked to the important man about politics and stuff.

          Joe Biden was laughing, because Nick had just said something intentionally funny, and it seemed like a logical response.
          "Yes", Joe Biden scoffed, "That is so true". It was. Nick felt bolstered by the good reception his joke about Chinese people had garnered. He was worried it would be offensive. It was. But not to Joe Biden. Nick felt a connection growing between the two men, the two stalwarts of power. Maybe Joe would be his friend, he thought. His Bush to his Blair; his Jed to his Ward; his Dick to his Dom, but not in the S&M sense. Not this time, he thought. Joe Biden smiled a smile as big as a massive plate and Nick felt the warmth penetrate through him like radiation from the sun causing happy cancer. Nick reached across for the plate of sausage rolls and offered one languidly to Joe Biden, trying not to seem too eager to serve.

          "Would you like another sausage roll, Dad?" Nick Clegg said without thinking.
          "What?"
          "Shit", he thought vocally.
          "Did you just call me Dad?" Joe Biden asked, his smile disappearing back into his face like a startled vole.
          "No", Nick Clegg lied. Typical.



Nick Clegg I


Nick Clegg (1967- )


Atmosphere


          Nick Clegg took a drag on the oddly shaped cigarette, and coughed up some phlegm. Feeling nauseous, he offered it back to David Cameron, who blew out a twisted ring of eloping smoke. It rose entangled to the ceiling, crashing around a chandelier and splintering into a million disparate factions, much like his party threatened to do in the coming months, I reckoned.

          "I feel really sick", Nick said, as the faces of the surrounding circle spiralled above him, cavorting with the nauseating fumes, much like they had cavorted with the bankers and Rupert Murdoch of the past.
          "Don't worry about that", David reassured, passing the doobie to George Osbourne, who only pretended to hold it in; "You're one of us now, and that's what counts". 

          Nick Clegg got sick a bit. It went on his tie, staining the yellow with shame and excess. George Osbourne laughed, nearly choking on the weed-ciggy. He didn't though, because he was only pretending to hold it in. That's not a metaphor for anything, he genuinely didn't like the taste. William Hague was also there.

          "It's alright", Dave said, "It happens to all of us at some point". He offered Nick a silken handkerchief from an inside pocket. Nick took it between bouts, and tried his best to get the sick off. He only rubbed it in further though, and spoilt the nice hanky which had been a present from David's father who was dead now, the stupid git.

David accepted the hanky back off Nick, and gave it to Theresa May to clean for later. She looked unimpressed, but no one cared. Politics was no place for a woman. History had shown that now.
          "So, am I one of the gang now, like you?" Nick Clegg asked hopefully, trying to avert his eyes from Cameron's piercing glare.
          "Not quite yet, Nick", David said, relishing the moment. "First I'm going to need you to take the helm on some of these new saving cuts we've got coming up. We're going to need to cut the money given to elderly war heroes, and also to homeless cats without legs".

          Nick looked unsure.
          "I'm not sure", he said, unsuredly. David Cameron looked down at his shoes. As in, his, not Nick Clegg's shoes.
          "That's a shame", Dave said, looking at his, as in, his own shoes, "and just when I thought we were friends…"
          "Okay. I'll do it", spluttered Nick Clegg through a pickle sandwich. He'd had it in his hand for ages, but hadn't had a chance to eat it till now.
          "Good", said David Cameron, giving George Osbourne a look that could've meant anything, but actually meant "Good". 
          "Good. Then I'll see you at the press conference tomorrow". 

          Suddenly, everyone except Nick got up and left the room, leaving him alone with the still burning embers of the illegal hippie-stick lightly igniting a small glow on the carpet. Nick looked down at the floor and quietly stubbed it out with the heel of his shoe. He then tidied the ashes into a small pile, and left a note for the cleaner explaining how sorry he was. How sorry he was, indeed.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Ed Balls & The Picnic in the Woods: Part IV




For Daniel, for all the love, and support. And crack.

Ed Balls & The Picnic in the Woods: Part IV

By Ted Johnston

Chapter One

Harriet Harman knelt down and sniffed the blood. 
          "Strawberry lace", she said, licking her fingers clean, "come on, he can't be far off". She turned to Ed Balls, who was sulking by a tree, gorging his red, bloody lips on an ice-cream he'd stolen from an incapacitated child, about 5 miles back.
          "What?" he said, because he hadn't been listening. Harriet Harman rose to her full height of about 5"6 and stared into the unwavering cancerous holes of Ed Balls' pupils. She thought of a joke she could make, about pupils and how he had once been Shadow Secretary of State for Education, but she couldn't quite get it to work and it probably wasn't the appropriate time. Besides, Ed would probably kick off, and she couldn't afford another mistake.
         "Come on", she gargled, like a wart-infested witch, or a woman gargling with mouth-wash saying "come on" at the same time, which is what she was doing.
          They all climbed back into the van. Her, Ed Balls, Theresa May, David Cameron, Nick Clegg was there, Jack Straw had bought a bat and had stuck some nails in it, only he'd put them in the right way so it wasn't any more dangerous, but no one felt like pointing it out, as he'd been drinking meths again. Noel Edmonds was driving.
          "Shut up and get in the van, I'm driving", Noel Edmonds said, factually.
          "Alright Edmonds", David Cameron vomited, "but just remember whose fault this is".
          "Alright, alright, let's just go, I saw him disappearing through those trees about 2 minutes ago. He's wounded".
          "You've got me to thank for that, I hit him with my arrow when he came at me from out of those bushes. He won't be going far. We'll catch up with him soon enough", Nick Clegg screamed incomprehensibly.
          "What?" David Cameron vomited, again.
          "Never you mind" Theresa May said, " just drive, Edmonds, or I'm going to ram this pike up your arse then make you bounce on it like your Tigger and that's your tail and you're excited. Capiche?". He capiched all right, he'd seen what she'd done to that family of squirrels back in Dorset. He stepped on the gas.

          So off they went, members of the ousted Labour party and the coalition, all sat drunkenly in the back of a van, wielding ancient weaponry that they'd grabbed cack-handedly from the display cabinets at the Houses of Parliament as they'd all bowled out; and Noel Edmonds was driving.
          They came across him in a little dell, lying face down. A trail of blood led to him, Nick Clegg had been telling the truth, he had shot him with an arrow. Jack Straw was the first out, he jumped lightly down onto the mossy undergrowth hardly making a sound, blood pumping in his ears, and marker pen scrawled across his face, spelling out the words, "Jack Straw". No one knew why. 
          Mr. Blobby whimpered. he was done for and he knew it. He tried to crawl away, but Straw sat down on his legs, pinning him into the mud where he lay. By this time everyone else had got out the van and gathered round in a tight circle. Harriet Harman was the first to strike. She lashed out with her iron mace, striking Blobby across the jaw. Blood splattered everywhere, all the colours of the rainbow. Some of it got on David Cameron's dinner jacket.
          "Come here and lick it off", he vomited. Mr. Blobby screamed, it came out like a strange warble. Everyone laughed. They couldn't help it. Even after all these years, they had to admit, Blobby still had some of the old magic left. Then Noel Edmonds put his cock in his ass. Blobby screamed. Again, everyone laughed, but not as hard this time. Everyone stood and watched in silence as Edmonds pounded a crying Mr. Blobby. Then they all set about him as one. 

          After about an hour the racket died down. Blobby was nearly dead, his head had been caved in by Theresa May's hob nailed boots. But Mr. Blobby was magic, it'd take more than that. Edmonds was still going, it made everyone feel faintly sick, but Edmonds always had been the wildest of the lot.
David Cameron offered Nick Clegg the pistol.
          "Finish him", he vomited. Clegg looked unsure. He stared down at Mr. Blobby, and pity filled his heart. Blobby stared almost blankly up into Clegg's eyes.
          "Please", he managed, barely managing to form sentences. 
          "Please". 
          Clegg closed his eyes, and fired blindly. Blobby's incessant whimpering stopped.
          "Well done". Harriet Harman slapped Clegg on the back, nearly causing him to throw up,
          "You did well".
          David Cameron put his arm round Clegg's shoulder and led him back to the van. 
          "Well done, Clegg. I think you've shown everyone that you're eligible to be part of our little club. Now let's get back to dinner and quaff some more duck's eggs before Boris Johnson turns up and snorts the lot", he vomited. It went everywhere. It was disgusting.
          
          As they all drove home some of them wondered if it actually had been as funny an idea as it had sounded round the dinner table at number 10. No one said anything though, they knew it would be fatal to show weakness in front of Edmonds. Clegg sat staring blankly off into space, Blobby's marshmallowy carcass seared into his memory. He felt sick, but that was probably just the champagne. No one spoke. Nobody looked at each other. They all felt a bit ashamed. When they got back they all made their excuses and left. Then they all went home and went straight to bed. Typical politicians. And Noel Edmonds.

The End.


Thursday, 5 May 2011

In Defence of English Humour

Monty Python - (from left to right: Robert de Niro; Peter Cook; Douglas Adams; Richard Hammond; Ian Brown; Katharine, Duchess of Kent)

        In 1941, George Orwell, in his essay The Lion and the Unicorn, attempted a definition of the English people; arguing that, 'it is important to determine what England is, before guessing what part England can play in the huge events that are happening'. His definition characterised us as a nation of hobbyists, of gentle and private paradoxes, with a fear of abstract thought, a belief in the law as something 'cruel and stupid' but 'incorruptible', un-artistic in comparison to the rest of Europe, with no need for the conventions of logic or an ordered system of thought, and insular.

       Obviously there is much there with which some would find fault, if not counter-examples. There is also much which is not there, which I have left out, which is crucial to his case, and to his tone. Orwell's description, as shown in its highly abridged form here, seems disparaging and almost on some level cruel. But it is not, and in reading his own words the sense one gleans is one of self-mockery and a mock-defeatist attitude, yet paradoxically proud and twee. He manages to work the endearingly mundane and trivial, such as sentences talking of the quintessentially English love of flowers and of stamp collectors and crossword enthusiasts, into an essay that calls for a Socialist revolution in order to win the war on Fascism. It seems in some ways almost humorous, and this, I think, is the crucial characteristic which Orwell does not quite overtly express; namely the role that humour plays in not just characterising, but in some respects defining the English throughout modern history.

       In this vein I wish to look briefly at the historical role of comedy in reflecting the attitudes and sense of identity of the English people, and its importance within society, within a relatively short time frame, from the music-hall tradition and light relief entertainment, through the satirical revival of the 1970s, up until the present day, focusing on comedy's development into an art-form, and from there into the realms of intellectualism, filling a vacuum that is perhaps created by modern culture, or its lack thereof.

Rowan Atkinson - seems irrelevant now,
but there's a bit in about 1000 words time
where I talk about him.
       Historically, humour has always played some role in society that is recognised as stretching beyond its ability to make us laugh. Around 35 BC, Horace's Satires not only gave name to a popular form of satire concerned with pointing to society's faults and mistakes through light-humour and wit, as well as containing the modern day equivalent of an excellent fart joke, but they also established him as one of the great Augustan poets. Among the Peublo Indians of southwestern Arizona the Peublo clowns have long been revered as an intrinsic part of their sacred religious festival that dates back for hundreds, possibly thousands of years. Their role in making old people laugh and small children cry, in pushing the boundaries of what is taboo, in offending sensibilities and attacking prejudices, is seen within the community as taking on an almost spiritual, and cathartic role.

       In Britain the role of comedy within society, whether it be satire, wit, or bawdy slap-stick, has also played a vital role in the social, political, and cultural spheres, and is, I feel, inherent to our ideas of freedom of speech, democracy, and national identity.

       Throughout the eighteenth century the satirical ballad opera was an extremely popular art form, the most notable example today being John Gay's The Beggar's Opera, which satirised the hypocrisy and decadency of the Walpolean government, whose fear of the power of satire and its hold on public opinion culminated in the Licensing Act of 1737, which granted the Lord Chamberlain sole power of licensing, and thereby censoring plays for stage; a role which persisted right up until 1968.

       The popularity of music-hall during World War One formed a key part of rallying patriotism and recruiting troops, and also served as an example of comedy in not only reflecting public opinion, but of defining the British character. As Orwell points out in The Lion and the Unicorn, 'the songs which the soldiers made up and sang of their own accord were not vengeful but humorous and mock-defeatist. The only enemy they ever named was the sergeant-major'. It is crucial to note that the morale boosting songs of the war were not the state sanctioned, state written, glorious and triumphant displays of might that were seen in Germany during World War Two, or Russia after the revolution. They were humorous, twee, quaint little ditties that didn't just reflect the attitudes of the war, but, much on the same level as the poetry of Graves, Sassoon, Owen, and Brooke, came to be the voices that spoke through history to define them.

Orwell - Nutter?
       One can hardly ignore the cathartic effect humour had on rallying great swathes of patriotism and reserve as the deadly shadow of Nazism spread across Europe. One can hardly ignore the importance of ridiculing Hitler through belittling caricatures in Punch magazine (just as one cannot ignore that the typically British humour of Punch has been drawn from relentlessly by Historians wishing to pithily convey public reaction to historical events). Mostly, one cannot ignore that a prime example of war-time Britain's answer to the manipulative propaganda of Goebbels was the popular refrain, Hitler Has Only Got One Ball. All of this speaks of a character indigenous to Britain, and it was around the time that the war ended that comedy started to become truly committed to reflecting a sense of British identity.

       The 1950s saw the emergence of, most notably, two different, but related streams of comedy. One was the situation comedy of Hancock's Half Hour, a genre which came to define through observational comedy much of the realities of British working class life; (see Only Fools & Horses, Steptoe and Son, etc.). The second was in the more surrealist, escapist style exemplified by The Goons, which could be seen as a precursor to the re-emergence of satire a decade later, with its parodies of elements of British society and class. Along with Hancock's Half Hour, they were two of the only shows of that decade that arguably dealt with the satire and ridicule of politicians, such as MacMillan and Churchill, before the satire boom of the 1960s.

       Peter Sellers, of The Goons, himself came in some ways to be a satire of British society in his own life; a character that portrayed, as Orwell put it, 'their refusal to take foreigners seriously', with Clueso; the satirical relationship of America and Britain with Group Captain Mandrake in Doctor Strangelove; and yet this was a man deeply troubled and torn apart underneath the surface, trying to keep his troubles private, and ending up subverting them through other vices.

Peter Cook - 'The funniest man who ever drew breath'.
       In 1960, Peter Cook, still studying at Cambridge at the time, went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and put on, with his fellow Footlights, Beyond the Fringe, and satire in England was reborn. Adopting the surrealist tone that had been missing from practically all English art, with its Protestant influenced Naturalism, it paved the way for the new breed of comedians, the Oxbridge Mafia. On the one hand there was Monty Python, relentlessly pushing the boundaries of bad taste and redefining comic form, (the Undertaker's Sketch was only allowed to be performed under the stipulation that the audience stage a mass-revolt in disgust, so as to preempt public response and assuage the BBC of supporting such filth). On the other, following on from that in the 70s and 80s there was the Rowan Atkinson led news satire show of Not the Nine o'Clock News, which helped open up comedy and expand its role from 'comedy for the sake of comedy' into more of a moral gauge, calling out politicians, ridiculing religion, and making comedy feel more current through satirising popular news events. Of course there were no boundaries and both frequently crossed over, with Python causing a religious backlash over The Life of Brian, whilst Atkinson, many years later, created the character of Mr. Bean, in which he could explore comic form and the role of character acting in a way that to some seems childish, and to others seems almost like an intellectual thesis.

       It is along this road I now believe comedy to be travelling, and in these times I believe the role comedy has to play within British society, (though I do not deny its intrinsic importance within others), is to fill the gap left by the vacuum of modern society. In the 1980s, Spitting Image had opened up a whole new world of ridiculing authority, and its memorable depictions of the Thatcher Government were reportedly highly influential in the dismissal of 8 members of her cabinet. The Long Johns became an informative source for the public in explaining through satire the goings on of big business and government whilst others sort to over-complicate the issues. Satirical shows and publications, such as The Bugle, and Private Eye, continued to be a more trustworthy and informative source of news journalism long after news channels and papers had stretched themselves too thinly in a battle for dramatic, attention-retaining 'content' in a new digital age. Comedians such as Stewart Lee, continued the important role of commenting on religion, with shows such as Jerry Springer the Opera causing significant back-lash from right-wing fundamentalist groups, long after popular art had lost its ability to be relevant. And countless observational humorists, situational comedies, news satire shows and others continue to form and reflect as much of an inherent part of British identity as a culture, as they have always done.

       This is by no means to suggest that comedy is the sole arbiter of morality or taste in politics, society, and culture. Literature, art, drama and poetry have been sidelined and for the most part just brutally ignored in this essay in order to avoid becoming bogged down in fruitless side-tracks and to avoid losing sight of the topic in focus. This has also by no means been an attempt to provide any form of a comprehensive history of modern comedy. There are whole side-routes, under-ground movements, and even crucial figures, which have not been touched upon by this essay simply because I did not want to merely produce a narrative.

Stewart Lee - Eunuch Content Provider
       This essay, I hope, has been a look, using sparing examples, at the role comedy has played within society, and even in forming part of our national identity, throughout history. Right through from the satirical ballad-operas of the eighteenth century, up to present day satirical publications and even news  panel quiz shows, comedy may have lost some of its high-brow artistic worth, but has not lost sight of its objective in both raising questions and pushing boundaries, but also quite simply in making us laugh.

       Because of comedy's need to interact with the audience; to stimulate them into laughter; and in that vein to be constantly adapting and associating with them on some level, I believe it always has, and will continue to play a vital role in reflecting and to some degrees defining British culture. It's role in commenting on institutions such as the government, or religion, will continue long after the recognisable artists of modern society have self-referenced and deconstructed themselves into a post-modern coma. The presence of the Oxbridge Mafia in comedy brings a tinge of intellectualism to their humour largely missing in the popular domain from the comedic repertoire of, for example, America, (though one should not forget The Daily Show, or, The Colbert Report). It is a cliché, but it is also aphoristic, that 'you can tell a lot about a man's character from what he laughs at', and it is in the same vein that perhaps you can tell a lot about a nation's characteristics from what we, collectively, laugh, and have laughed at. Punch archives have always been a sure fire indicator of how the working classes, or politicians, were faring in middle-class public opinion; music-halls parodied and commented upon much of what felt socially relevant to a contemporary audience; and television sit-coms to an extent picked up that role after the Second World War.

       I heard it protested once that “British Humour” was not an oxymoron, and in defence of this I would say that we have revealed and documented as much about ourselves throughout our recent history; our mannerisms, ways of life, and taboos; through comedy, as we have done through literature, art, drama, film, sculpture, poetry, or any other art form that reflects a part of British society that perhaps, through history, has come to define it.


Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The Sad and Sorry Tale of my Own Untimely Demise: IV

Le Chef d'Oeuvre - Rene Magritte, c.1955

This is potentially the last update of this story as I only planned to put up the first chapter, which is now complete. I hope you enjoy these updates, and strongly request you read these previous parts first, else this part will make no sense: 

"
It is said that man's greatest fear is his own mortality, but once this slight inconvenient blip has passed it simply becomes a matter of what he's going to do to pass the time. 
        And as I sat and watched with watering eyes the fine crumbs of burnt bread break off beneath my clenching fingers, I was not, except by extension, in fear of my approaching death. Though if I'd have known how quickly is was travelling it might have merited more forethought. 
        For I had already discovered a fear that could make a man flee the gates of Eden, eschew the warmth of love, and shun the comfort of life. It was a fear that had been on my lips as soon as I had awoken this morning, but that had been for some time slowly rising and frothing through my subconscious until my tongue could taste its scum. It was, put simply, the nerve shattering, debilitating, soul destroying realisation, that if I planned to continue living as I did, I would need to find a proper job.
*

"I'm sorry sir, but I don't think I quite understood what you just said." It was two hours later, and I was in a library. This is confusing, and I would imagine the majority of readers would have some form of problem with my sudden appearance in such a place, but so did the people in the library, and I shall simply say to you what I said to them. Which is that life is full of unexpected intrusions, and that if you're going to sit around all day and draw your vicarious pleasure mainly through reading about other peoples' lives, you can't complain too much when life comes along out of the blue and shouts at you. 
"It's fairly quite simple." Said I. "I need a job because I've run out of toast, and I need to work here because of utmost importance."
I looked down at the timid girl behind the reception desk with slightly reeling, obstinate eyes, and attempted with a slight casual smirk and downward gesture of my head to make her laugh so as to show my joviality. However it appeared to make her quiver slightly and I decided somewhere in the back of my mind that dutch courage had probably been more detrimental than one would have originally hoped, and quickly recalled the gesture, hoping my bemusement and slight irritation didn't show through in its stead. 
"I'm sorry sir, I just don't  really understand why you keep saying that you need to work here."
"Because I don't like people, and if I have to work with them, I want to work somewhere where they're at least not allowed to talk." At this I slammed my fist, perhaps overly hard, down on the table and the girl gave a sudden jerk, snapping the pencil with which she had been toying nervously below the desk cleanly in two. By now I was beginning to get serious looks of mutiny from several passing browsers, and I began to wonder nervously if this was already a lost cause. 
"Listen, Um…" glancing quickly down at the girl's breast I noticed the absence of a name badge, and this annoyed me greatly as I had always wanted to use that line. "… I know you're busy, and I don't want to keep you long from whatever it is you're doing on that computer, so I shall state my case boldly, and as simply as an honest man knows how.
"I really need a job, and that is making me very depressed. What I essentially need is to be able to sit in a library all day long and read, and occasionally, as way of compensation, talk to customers, and stamp things out. I believe you, or somebody else here could just give me this job, because libraries are homely, and don't require all the rigorous interviewing and criminal record checking that other places, like banks, might."
At this point I paused for dramatic effect and drew myself up to my full height of 5"10 and a half before delivering my final flourish. "On top of this I am of course a writer, which means that I may even one day build on your very own market, and you can put a blue plague right over your very own chair to show where I wrote some of my most very best work. So all in all I think that's all fine and I shall start tomorrow if that's when you need me."
I always feel it important when recounting my last few hours to do so honestly, and I make no apologies for illogical arguments, poor use of language, or a tragic sense of waste. Because that is how I remember them. However, I am compelled to express to you that how I interact with other people is not generally how I actually am, or more aptly, how I wish to see myself as being. One of the major problems I have always faced as a person is the conveyance to other people of genuine sincerity in my character, and I have often found myself playing up, either to peoples' ill-informed perceptions of me, or my own ill-judged notions of what I perceive they expect me to be. Often I appear more abrasive, more divertingly indignant, more arrogantly assured than in actuality I am, and whilst in its extremes it is largely due to drunken ornateness, I do sometimes wonder, when by myself , alone in a dead man's spare room, if there is an element of subconscious projection involved. As though I am a clown, painting a thin facade of a character over my own distinguishable features, so that when people laugh I can feel they laugh at the character I have created, as opposed to the tragic figure I embody beneath it.
Needless to say none of the bathetic pathos of my tragically anti-climatic life helped convince a girl from the local sixth form doing work experience in a small library that she should lead a coup to seize, and then unwisely use, the power to employ members of the public, in a form of communist satire. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't secretly know, ten minutes later as I stumbled through the revolving doors and out onto the pavement of the street outside, that that approach was never going to work. I believe that somewhere hidden deep inside my mind I had the notion that if I got myself systematically rejected from all the jobs suitable for me, I could still convince myself that I had gallantly tried, and that it was other people, in this instance, who were to blame.  
All the same, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself  as I turned from the entrance of the library and, wrapping my shabby overcoat tight around me, for it was bitingly cold, even though it was the middle of May, began to walk purposefully, but without particular reason, down the road.
I wandered aimlessly up and down the high street for a further few hours, trying to sum up the courage to apply for a job in various shops that seemed quite, and dusty, but all this proved fruitless. I stopped at a coffee shop with outdoor seating, went in and bought a strong black coffee, found a seat outside on the pavement, and lit up a cigarette. I watched the steam and smoke entwine and dance in the cold but gentle breeze for a while, rising and falling like two graceful dancers in the mid noon sun, before I began feeling listless and decided to start heading back to the house. My thoughts now anchored by the weight of the coffee from the tumult of a drunken sea, I began to think a little about the novel I planned to write that would bring me notoriety in high literary circles. I had little idea what it would be about as of yet, but I was fairly sure that the protagonist would be a disconnected, young, but dissatisfied writer, trying to give coherent form to his work through themes that permeated and troubled his own life, but being impeded by his inability to find articulation for vague notions that swam through the murky waters of his consciousness. As I rounded the corner onto my road, and saw the house looming ominously in the distance, I had decided that, dissatisfied with his job and his insipid relationships with women, my character would embark on a journey through the streets of London, experiencing and being exposed to the extremities of drunkenness, violence, sex, and perverted debauchery in all of it's rawest forms. And by the time I was entering in at the garden gate I was debating whether this exposure to such events would beget articulation or lead to his self destruction through physical temptation. By the time I was pushing the front door open, I was so engrossed in the finer details of the plot and themes that I didn't even notice I had apparently forgotten to lock it. And, as I entered the kitchen to fling my coat over the back of a chair and make more coffee, I had so nearly woven the interlinking subtexts into such a perfect tapestry of literary wealth, that I did not at all notice the stunningly beautiful black haired girl sat, cross-legged, pale faced, and red lipped, on the chair across from the door. But I caught a fragment of something intoxicating floating the normally musty air, something delicate yet dominating, that ensnared the senses and made them want to fall willingly to their knees. I was so startled by the apparent apparition of a girl in my kitchen that I dropped the coffee cup I had managed to get all the way out of the cupboard in alarm and spun round as she rose to meet me.
"Derek Green?" She asked, her voice penetrating yet soft.
"No." I responded in alarm.
"I'm sorry." She said, as from the folds of her hands I saw a flash of something silver and sharp. But her voice was distant now, detached, yet full of something else, something undefinable. And then something rather unexpected happened. I died. Rather slowly, and very horribly."

Saturday, 22 January 2011

The Sad and Sorry Tale of my Own Untimely Demise: III

The Man in the Bowler Hat - Rene Magritee, c.1964

I must apologise for the spasmodic nature, quantity, and indeed quality of these updates. I am fleshing out a rough draft as and when I have the time, which is rarely. These drafts, I am then simply posting for the doubtable interests of yourself, so a lot of the sentences, and some of the more unpopular words, are being replaced at later dates, but that is not for you to see. Here is what I have determined is for you to see, and I highly recommend, as these posts follow only arbitrary beginning and end points, reading (Part 1) & (Part 2).

"
The passage of time, it is said, is a great healer, but combined with a lack of  consequences,  sobriety, and police investigation it is a certified doctor. 
        And so, driven by mounting invoices at my own address, a misguided sense of cleansing through exposure, and a desire to avoid a rather persistent and dubiously pregnant girl, two months after having accidentally committed murder, I took up residence in the scene of my own crime, and as way of vicarious atonement, resolved to let the liquor answer for my sins. The matter of the missing dustbin, was for the time forgotten, or at least suppressed heavily. Doubt not though, dear reader, that any of this was undertaken likely; and one can be assured that from the back seat of my Ford Mondeo, amongst the remnants of fast food chicken boxes, Whyte & Mackay, Benson & Hedges, and the torn pages of Raymond Chandler, (who I had taken to reading, but eventually resorted to chewing) I watched that house until the sun was dizzy from chasing the moon. And not once did I see a soul approach it. 
  Not even the postman. 
Even junk mailers seemed, disinclined, to write. And so what once was legally his now became ostensibly mine. However, I admit I felt so bad about the whole affair that I was reluctant to ever do much more than sleep in his spare room, use his toilet, and eat any food with a sell by date on it. The other rooms I rarely ever ventured into. The front room I have never seen, the wine cellar was resolutely locked, and the other rooms are gloomy, dusty and full of books that I as a writer have no appetite for. I rarely ventured out of doors for the first few weeks, so petrified was I of being accosted and exposed by the first elderly pedestrian that I should chance upon. But eventually boredom, and a sudden drop in the supply of tinned food, forced me out into the harsh lamp-lit world of the dead night, to hurriedly steal towards an never-ending convenience store, and having done my dishonest shopping, to slink back once more. After this escapade I began to feel a little bolder, and began to visit the local bar of an evening, The Panda & Tortoise, whose staff were as fashionably transient, mundanely detached and as  enervatingly numb as the name would suggest. Garbed in labelled polo shirts, beach shoes, and denim jeans designed to prevent unnecessary conception, this inaptly dressed army of the undead seemed more suitable for one wishing to remain unremembered, than the shady confines of a pub harbouring the close-knit remnants of  the inexplicably stereotypical pool room sharpers, who one can only assume have been lurking near the fruit machines for so long that they hadn't even notice the 70s end.
Nonetheless, it was a pleasant bar, where the ale was cheap but strong, the women high maintenance but susceptible, and the music dirty with the crunching bass and megaphone vocals of blues-rock. All in all, it was the life of an art-house writer, so I saw it through my sophomoric cinematic thoughts. In reality I was a freelance art critic, who was running up ever more increasingly against the paradox of seeking literary fame, and keeping my change of address unknown. The greatest problem was mostly in receiving checks through the post, as one cannot survive of the charity of dead men indefinitely.
It was this very same idea that stuck in the back of my throat as I awoke in May to an alarm call of cold-sweat and damp sheets, coughing and racking my lungs as though I was trying terminally to dislodge the unpleasant realisation which had rattled the cages of my dreams and awoken the fear of my eyes. It was a realisation that made me want to cry and wretch and blubber and froth, all of which I promptly did, before thrashing blindly to one side with my left arm until it's hand found the radio dial, rolling limply from the volume wheel onto a pack of cigarettes which, upon bleary eyed inspection, contained one pink lighter and half a cigarette. Which was very disappointing. With smoke now fleeing to the ceiling, I stretched forth my right hand and grabbed from within the folds of dirty sheets a battered notebook and a badly bitten pencil. Whilst the jarring tones of the radio roused me from my numbing sleep I made out the time from the wall-clock across from my bed, opened the notebook to a heavily annotated page, and jotted down the information accordingly: 
'08.45:' It read, 'Cough, now dry, throat, like gravel, mild improv. on Tues. Radio still persisting with soul destroying phone in comp, still not heard back. Fear the worst. prize money.' 
        These last two words I scrawled largest of all and underlined many times, with multiple exclamations added as the pencil gorged into the paper. Then I unwittingly fell back to sleep, and it took a further three repeated incidents before on the third I was compelled to get a glass of water. Ten minutes later I was in the kitchen rubbing my toe and swallowing an aspirin for my head, cursing the household appliances in their complicity to see me maimed by degrees. The toaster was prone to electrocute at will, the kettle liable to overflow onto plug sockets and hands, and all were in cahoots with the stairs in their relentless attempts to wreck havoc through guerilla tactics and loose planks. 
I had often wondered, through forced bites of brittle black toast, whether the house could possibly be out to get me, or whether, more pressingly, it was haunted by the spirits of any disgruntled previous occupants. I had on one occasion sought in the local paper a psychic who might be able to offer professional advice without posing a threat of credibility in a court of law, but on that occasion the psychic, a man named Terrance who wrote the horoscopes for some kind of woman's weekly and liked to talk too much about Florida, ran from the house in a fit of panic and incredulity, screaming something unintelligible about a cult. Which was just as well, as I hadn't any money to pay him with, and in hindsight hadn't really thought the idea through properly at all.
        However, on this particular morning my inane fear of kitchen utensils was somehow both sharpened and numbed simultaneously, by the paralysing realisation that had stalked my dreams and haunted my awakening steps. On the morning that would be my last, as I unknowingly said goodbye to the rising sun, and failed to leave a forwarding address for the moon, I was staring blankly into the depths of blackened crust as the last of my store of toast grew cold in my trembling hand
        It is said that man's greatest fear is his own mortality, but once this slight inconvenient blip has passed it simply becomes a matter of what he's going to do to pass the time. And as I sat and watched with watering eyes the fine crumbs of burnt bread break off beneath my clenching fingers, I was not, except by extension, in fear of my approaching death. Though if I'd have known how quickly is was travelling it might have merited more thought. 
        For I had already discovered a fear that could make a man flee the gates of Eden, eschew the warmth of love, and shun the comforts of life. It was a fear that had been on my lips as soon as I had awoken this morning, but that had been forever slowly rising and frothing through my subconscious until my tongue could taste its scum. It was, put simply, the nerve shattering, debilitating, soul destroying realisation, that I needed to get a job.

Monday, 17 January 2011

The Sad and Sorry Tale of My Own Untimely Demise: II

The Son of Man - Rene Magritte, c.1964.


The short story so far... (Part I)


"
                One of the interesting things about death, which I have come to realise as of being late is that there's an awful lot of it to going on all of the time, and that once you get over the initial shock, and the subsequent disappointment, there are a lot of support groups around to help you settle into your new celestial neighbourhood. Unfortunately I find the insipid cheeriness of support groups, especially ones of religious denotation, overbearing, and try to avoid them at all costs. I can only hope that the opposite was true for the three hundred pound, six foot three, heavily tattooed and heavily armed man that had just been introduced unwillingly to some of gravity's more unpopular and inaccessible work. However, my hopes that he was a part time Samaritan call worker weren't high, and in fact, as I sat half and hour later, smoking my sixteenth cigarette, crouching somewhere near the umbrella stand and wondering what to do in-between my frightened sobs and forays into morbid curiosity; the thought didn't even enter my mind. One reason for this was that the crossroads of my mind were at the time full of thoughts and notions careering recklessly from one lobe to the next, not stopping for warning signs nor pedestrians, and many of my more timid ideas had as a result decided to remain indoors, rather wisely. It didn't help that the entire city was over the legal limit either and was in no state to be in charge of a sensory motor vehicle.
                Being a writer is, in my opinion, a despicable occupation, and I shall here lay down a few brief outlines as to why. I feel that one of the problems with the English taught in school is that it is all essentially meaningless, and the only use it is truly put to by those good at it is to satisfactorily out argue other children and give clarity and comprehensible shape to confused notions about their sublimated hatred of women. If I let slip in the middle of a dinner party that all love is essentially selfish and by that very nature self-destructive, and that even relationships knowingly based on corrupted principles which have blossomed into something resembling genuine love are simply a facade unperceived by its participants, and that if our most basic human instincts are exposed or heightened by the rawness of love, all will see the inherent cynicism of love beyond its immediate destructive physicalness, I will not be offered dessert. However, if a writer puts this down in the form of a parable then I am perfectly entitled to restate it and people will either look around awkwardly for a second before suggesting we serve the crème brûlée, or counteract this view with another parable. It is therefore a sure fact that a large percentile of published authors chose their career simply because they were sick of not getting any pudding at dinner parties. But more than this, it means that there is such a wealth of differing views on any of the major subjects covered in an average secondary school syllabus that anyone can prove just about anything with literature, and it ceases to have any larger significance when considered in the context of what you think the author means, not what the author means to you. But my biggest problem with being a writer stems from my own inability to feel genuine when writing about a subject because I write about it solely from the context of being, by grace of my occupation, an outsider; and my inability to feel genuine about living because I approach any emotion or situation with the subconscious thought that it could make a good story.
                For instance I once wrote a intendedly humourous article for an online magazine, entitled '10 steps for disposing of unwanted bodies', and afterwards felt that not only had I written on a subject about which I knew nothing, but I had portrayed a false image of myself, the author. However, they say that time and experience are the greatest tutors and as I stood in the back garden of another man's house at 4 o'clock in the morning, franticly trying to get some kindling to spark and trying to remember step 7, I realised that I had been completely genuine when I wrote that article, I had just written it in the wrong tense.
                By the time the tops of the trees had crept back into the warmth of the Sun's caress, all that remained of the mysterious defender was not so much the quintessence of dust as it was an overcooked barbecue in the quintessence of a dustbin, but it was a beginning. By the time the tips of the garden fence were getting involved in the orgy of morning, I had burnt all of my clothes, wiped all of the surfaces I could remember touching, cleared away my cigarette ends, and put the entire court case out in the alley way for the bin men to collect. By breakfast I had haltingly managed to find my own house, dressed in an oversized dressing-gown, lime green trousers, a floral blouse, and one flat and one furry slipper that I had found amongst the man's possessions, and by elevenses I was rocking back and forth across the street from the back alley way feeling as nauseous as a fish in the desert, wondering why in God's name I left the dustbin, and trying desperately to reason where it could possibly have gone. "