God... or Crack?

A question I often wonder in some of my quieter, more reflective moments is; if He does exist, and all the evidence tends to be pointing towards the, 'maybe, but if he does He's a dick', response, just how popular is this God person anyway? Is he bigger than a lemming, or is he, say, smaller than Neptune?

Well for many years I was unable to answer myself that question as any research into the topic area would invariably lead to the necessity to talk to Christians, who, as we all know, make my sensibilities hurt with their powers of condescending, forced, and self-interested charitableness and eagerness to go along with stupid and ill-informed ideas. But now all of that has changed as I have just remembered the internet and the infallibility of statistics. (And if you think an abstract concept with a practical application for looking at the few and applying it to the whole isn't as infallible as a man in an unnecessarily large hat, well what even is Christianity anyway?)

So now, for the first time in human history, we are finally able to put an end to all the needless philosophical debates on the nature of religion and of science, whether the two can offer objective truths in a universe without any particular idea where its going or what it's up to later, and most importantly off all, which is better;

God…. or crack?

Okay, so the first question that comes to my mind when tackling an issue this large, is; just how large is the largeness of this issue? Is God truly omnipresent? and if so, why then do we refer to Him as He? Because that necessitates a position in space for me to be able to label Him as a quantifiable object that could be subjected to a position separate from, say, She, or I, or That Thing Over There... Yes, That... No Timmy You Know Perfectly Well What I'm Talking About... Yes, That One... What The FUCK Is That?!

So then, our first question becomes, how big is God? Well, let's start small...
Is He bigger than an atom?




Right... well I can easily accept that. But is He bigger than the entirety of Science?




On average no. Okay, well at least we know who could take who in a fight, although science does seem to be consolidating slightly more towards God's size. However, being both metaphysical concepts visualizing their comparative size without a physical context becomes rather arduous.
So, is He bigger than Ireland?




Well apparently he didn't used to be, and this raises three very serious questions, mainly:
1) Just how big is God planning on getting?
2) Where is he hiding now?
3) Why does Ireland suddenly become massively unpopular at Christmas?

Well only God, and possibly Elvis, can answer the first two questions, but I have developed a theory on the third, which I will now explain.

If we are to understand Ireland's regular dips in popularity, we must first discern which countries search 'Ireland' the most on Google, and, in the context of everywhere else in the world, that is pretty much entirely just Ireland. The Irish, and I base most of this assumption entirely on experience in pubs, tend to be rather nationalist in their introspective outlook, which would understandably result in the popularity of searches within that country for the self same country's name; so that the proud Irish people can research on Wikipedia many of the interesting facts about themselves. However, come Christmas time, the Irish have an unerring propensity to get so extraordinarily sloshed, sozzled, soaked, and solidified in liquor, that when they return home and attempt to search the name of their much beloved country, as they usually do, they find they cannot remember where they are.

Fig. 1 - Irish Santa doing it wrong.


Of course, being a metaphysical concept as opposed to a Western European state there is only so far you can stretch the balloon of comparison before you upset a small child. So maybe we should look at God in terms simply of his popularity, having already established that he is, currently, slightly larger than the country of Ireland, and just about comparable to the entire concept of science. Well, just how popular is God? 




So, God is a lot more popular than peace, but not quite as popular as war. Figures. This is the Godless era, and we are the orphans of the earth. I am a product of the bureaucratic system that spewed me out into a sewage of idiots, and I am struggling for air. The lifebelt to land has been denied to me by a conglomerate of self righteous zealots constantly proclaiming it to be 'Tea Time!".
I would rather drown than be stuck in that perpetual party of Hatters.

So what has replaced God in our time of constant need? Is it as the title of this diatribe so tantalisingly suggested?


Apparently it used to be. But no more. Well, I can offer no real answers to this question then.
Save perhaps one...




I'm floundering.