God... or Crack?

A question I often wonder in some of my quieter, more reflective moments is; if He does exist, and all the evidence tends to be pointing towards the, 'maybe, but if he does He's a dick', response, just how popular is this God person anyway? Is he bigger than a lemming, or is he, say, smaller than Neptune?

Well for many years I was unable to answer myself that question as any research into the topic area would invariably lead to the necessity to talk to Christians, who, as we all know, make my sensibilities hurt with their powers of condescending, forced, and self-interested charitableness and eagerness to go along with stupid and ill-informed ideas. But now all of that has changed as I have just remembered the internet and the infallibility of statistics. (And if you think an abstract concept with a practical application for looking at the few and applying it to the whole isn't as infallible as a man in an unnecessarily large hat, well what even is Christianity anyway?)

So now, for the first time in human history, we are finally able to put an end to all the needless philosophical debates on the nature of religion and of science, whether the two can offer objective truths in a universe without any particular idea where its going or what it's up to later, and most importantly off all, which is better;

God…. or crack?

Okay, so the first question that comes to my mind when tackling an issue this large, is; just how large is the largeness of this issue? Is God truly omnipresent? and if so, why then do we refer to Him as He? Because that necessitates a position in space for me to be able to label Him as a quantifiable object that could be subjected to a position separate from, say, She, or I, or That Thing Over There... Yes, That... No Timmy You Know Perfectly Well What I'm Talking About... Yes, That One... What The FUCK Is That?!

So then, our first question becomes, how big is God? Well, let's start small...
Is He bigger than an atom?




Right... well I can easily accept that. But is He bigger than the entirety of Science?




On average no. Okay, well at least we know who could take who in a fight, although science does seem to be consolidating slightly more towards God's size. However, being both metaphysical concepts visualizing their comparative size without a physical context becomes rather arduous.
So, is He bigger than Ireland?




Well apparently he didn't used to be, and this raises three very serious questions, mainly:
1) Just how big is God planning on getting?
2) Where is he hiding now?
3) Why does Ireland suddenly become massively unpopular at Christmas?

Well only God, and possibly Elvis, can answer the first two questions, but I have developed a theory on the third, which I will now explain.

If we are to understand Ireland's regular dips in popularity, we must first discern which countries search 'Ireland' the most on Google, and, in the context of everywhere else in the world, that is pretty much entirely just Ireland. The Irish, and I base most of this assumption entirely on experience in pubs, tend to be rather nationalist in their introspective outlook, which would understandably result in the popularity of searches within that country for the self same country's name; so that the proud Irish people can research on Wikipedia many of the interesting facts about themselves. However, come Christmas time, the Irish have an unerring propensity to get so extraordinarily sloshed, sozzled, soaked, and solidified in liquor, that when they return home and attempt to search the name of their much beloved country, as they usually do, they find they cannot remember where they are.

Fig. 1 - Irish Santa doing it wrong.


Of course, being a metaphysical concept as opposed to a Western European state there is only so far you can stretch the balloon of comparison before you upset a small child. So maybe we should look at God in terms simply of his popularity, having already established that he is, currently, slightly larger than the country of Ireland, and just about comparable to the entire concept of science. Well, just how popular is God? 




So, God is a lot more popular than peace, but not quite as popular as war. Figures. This is the Godless era, and we are the orphans of the earth. I am a product of the bureaucratic system that spewed me out into a sewage of idiots, and I am struggling for air. The lifebelt to land has been denied to me by a conglomerate of self righteous zealots constantly proclaiming it to be 'Tea Time!".
I would rather drown than be stuck in that perpetual party of Hatters.

So what has replaced God in our time of constant need? Is it as the title of this diatribe so tantalisingly suggested?


Apparently it used to be. But no more. Well, I can offer no real answers to this question then.
Save perhaps one...




I'm floundering.

Life, Death, & Sporadic Queueing

The Pleasure Principle - Rene Magritte, c.1937

             "I've been thinking a lot recently about death, and I have come to the conclusion that if Heaven exists, it is going to be essentially like the dentists. When I die, a composite representation of my thoughts, electrical signals and for some reason pure white light, will travel upwards, downwards, or side to side, there being no direction in space, there is nowhere that could merit these designations, so I shall imagine simply that I shall travel through and outside of all dimensional realities simultaneously till I reach that great fluffy cloud in the sky, which none but the poorest of commercial flights have ever quite been able to reach.
            When there I will be greeted by a room full of people awkwardly trying to pretend that they are the only other person there, that is too bright and far too clean to the point of becoming sterile. This image of sterility will not be helped by the almost imperceptible but omnipresent sound of Jeff Buckley being piped through the walls and the slightly attractive yet wholly unattainable receptionist who represents all the frustration felt for all the girls who are pretty, fuckable, and yet only smiling at you because they get paid to do it.
            It is then that I will realise I've jumped a queue. The reason I didn't realise this before is because the queue has formed itself in one of the most unlikely and counter intuitive places for a queue to do so. Queues are unintelligent and ignorant beasts, slow and single minded, forming themselves around waterholes of public interest, like coffee shops, cash machines,  and celebrity book signings. Whilst more domesticated than its cousin, crowds, queues are still wild beasts with a collective conscious of frustration and a natural suspicion of anyone who exists outside of it. I would imagine the queue in heaven to be the worst of all, with confused and irate members of the public all pushing, shoving, asking for information, and demanding to know what was with all the Amish, who are presumably thinking much the same thing about everybody else.
           One must at some point decide between whether to become a member of the crowd, or join the queue."

- Eric Luther